The Day Alcohol was banned

The Day Alcohol was banned.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to Lusaka Voice (Lusakavoice.com)

     The president walked into the Cabinet room and sat down.He pulled out a handkerchief  and wiped the sweat off his face.”Sorry I’m late guys,they were some issues that came up.” “Not problem Mr.President”,said the Vice President.”So what’s the agenda for today?” asked the President”Mr President we have a big problem” said the Minister of Education.”What’s the matter?” “Alcohol Mr President!” “what do you mean Alcohol?” asked the president.”It’s bringing the whole country to a standstill!” “In what way?” asked the president,”it’s chaos the whole nation is literally drunk all the time!” said the minister.” “Is that a good ,or a bad thing?” said the president looking genuinely puzzled.”It’s bad sir.School going pupils have resorted to drinking,as a result,the pass rates for exams have plummeted down.Because of that the teahers are also becoming frustrated because they are teaching pupils who don’t seem to care about school.” “Have they resoted to the old system of beating the pupils in order to fix the problem?” asked the president.”No!” answered the minister,they have also decided to drink down their troubles,most of them are now coming to work high!” “That’s not good good at all” said the president

”Because of the high levels of drunkenness”  said the minister of Health,”The levels of HIV and other STDs have gone up.” “I didn’t know you can get Hiv and syphilis  from drinking beer!” said the president.”No sir!” said the minister,interjecting the erroneous statement by the head of state.”When people go clubbing and get too high,they lose their descrition,and want to hammer,or be hammered by anyone in site,and they forget about condoms!” Thank God it’s not the beer,said the president with a look of relief on his face.

“The economy has not been left out sir” echoed the Minister of Finance’s voice.”How?” asked the president.”Workers are going to work drunk! As a result productivity is going down.” “What does that have to with Economy?” asked the president.”The GDP is going down Sir.” “I thought we diversified into Agriculture!” “The farmers became frustrated after the prices of fertilizer went up” said the Minister of Agriculture.”So they stopped farming?” asked the president in a sarcastic tone.”No,to forget about their problems they started drinking heavily and now they are unable to work!”

“This rise of alcohol abuse is increasing the load on the health system” said the Minister of Health.”Explain” said the president.”You see Mr president ,Ethanol has a toxic effect on hepatic function and a  depressive effect on both the red nd white components of heopoesis.” “Minister,can you please speak in words all of us can understand,Not all of us are doctors here,” said the president looking irritated.”Sir too much Alcohol damages the liver and the cells responsible for defending you against infections,as a result a person becomes more susceptible to infection.”

“Mr President,Our football team has lost its last ten matches.” “Fire the coach” retorted the president.”I don’t think the coach is the problem sir.” “Why?” “well,it has been rumoured that before the match begins,they need a little Dutch courage.” “What do you mean Dutch courage?” “Mr President allow me to come in on that one.”said the minister of defence General Goliath Mabwe.”It is romoured that during world sar two,some dutvhsoildiers were afraid to go out and fight,so to get rid of the fear they would first sip a little hard stuff,and then go out into the battle field.” “Are you trying to tell me that our players are going into the matches high?” said the president in disbelief.”Yes sir,said the minister.

The president stood up and started pcing about with his hand under his chin,then he noded his head.”This is very serious,very serious,with all this stressing news you guys are bringing,I need some whisky to cool me down.” “Vice President Vumbwe what do you think we should do?” “Mr President I think we should completely ban alcohol from the country!” “All those who agree with Vjmbwe here,raise your hands.” And all the hands in the roomwent up.”Very well then” said the president,,we can go ahead and issue that statement,right after I finish this to kill my hangover.” The president pulled out a small bottle of whisky from his pocket and in a few violent gulps drined it to the floor.He wiped his mouth and looked at the bottle…”Good stuff” he said,looking satisfied.”Who wants to make the announcement this evening?” “I can do it.” Volunteered the Minister for Youth Affairs.” “Ok”

That evening the Minister for youth Affairs appeared on National Television and declared the new law that The drinking of alcohol had officially been outlawed.The country had been started on a new road of Positivity and Sobriety.

It is present day.The president walks into the Cabinet room.As he looks  around he sees worried and timid faces.”General Mambwe can you stop biting your nails,you’re the minkster of defence for goodness’sake.” “Sorry Mr.President.”said the minister apologetically.”Mr President we have a problem.” “What’s the matter?” asked the president .”Mr President haven’t you been reading the papers,or watching the news?” Asked the Minister of Information.”Geofrey,you know I was in Canada for the conference so I haven’t time to read through the papers.” “Can’t you read them online?” “Just get to the point!” “Mr President,the country has come to a standstill.” Said the Minister of Youth Affairs,looking down.”What’s happening?” asked the president looking surprised.”The whole nation is depressed Mr.President.” “Why?” “We’ve taken away the alcohol!” “People are so depressed they can’t even go to work!” shouted the Minister of labour.”But I thought the alcohol was the problem” said the president “at least that’s what you guys told me,so I went ahead and banned it,so that we can have a sober nation that is able to function at full capacity.” “Well,Mr.President it turns out we live in a world of harsh realities and the only way people have to escape from them is the alcohol.” Said the Minister of Defence.”The other day I called my Secretary and asked her why she hasn’t been showing up for work,and do you know what she told me?” Asked the Minister of transport.”How,am I supposed to know?” retorted the president,”am not God!” “She told me she’d rather come to work with a hangover than depressed.” “Yesterday,the students at the University  rioted while shouting “Bring back our beer.” Said the Minister of Education,”when asked why,one of them replied “School is hard,the lecturers are demanding and the only way we can get rid of the pressure is by  drinking the amber nectar! And now they have taken that away from us,that’s not fair.” “How big was the damage?” asked the President ,with a worried look on his face.”Sir,they Burnt two cars,overturned three,beat up five policemen and broke the ribs of one.Twenty three of them are in custody.”

The president stood up,he couldn’t stand it,he felt like his head was about to burst.”Zenzoni,what do you think we should do?” he said looking at the Vice President.”Mr President I think we should remove the ban on Alcohol,because we won’t manage,the whole nation is ablaze.” “All in favour say “I” said the president looking outside the window.”I” went the whole room in a chorus.”Then so be it!” said the president.”So,what’s next on the agenda?”

 

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to Lusaka Voice (Lusakavoice.com)