I attended a friend’s wedding in Zambia early this month. It was a fabulous trip- the weather was perfect (hot during the day, crisp at night), everyone was so friendly and welcoming (I was crushed into many an aunt’s ample bosom) and our surroundings were so beautiful it was impossible not to have a good time
Luckily I was able to attend some of the pre-wedding festivities, namely the hen night. Now, I’ve attended a hen night or two here in Uganda, but they didn’t really seem that much different from an ordinary night out with the girls. This one was a whole different experience, mainly because of what I learned about the things women are told before they get married.
After arriving at the venue and having a few drinks, we were introduced to a young doctor who had come to address the group and the bride in particular. Being a urologist, she deals with trouser snakes on the regular, so she knows a thing or two about a man’s plumbing system.
Anyway, after dispelling a few myths and confirming some urban legends (does size matter, circumcised or uncircumcised, that kinda thing), the doctor explained the two things that the bride must never forget if she is to have a happy marriage- 1- always have an orgasm, and 2- never let a hard-on go to waste. Brilliant!
What amazed me is that Zambian and Ugandan women are told alot of the same things- make sure you please him. Make sure you learn what to do to make him feel good. Move your hips like this, moan like that etc. This was the first time I heard a bride-to-be being told what to do to make herself feel good! And how to show him what to do to make her feel good. It was pretty interesting stuff.
Another thing that struck me (and shocked me) is that allegedly Zambian women are prepared to be ‘’dry down there’’ for their men. I couldn’t believe it! I was like, well, where I’m from it’s a completely different story! Unlike the lyrics in the famous TLC song, Ugandan guys do actively chase waterfalls. (It sounded less cheesy in my head. Bear with me.)
Before wrapping up the evening (and a few hilarious games and dance moves later) we were all asked to give the bride a word of advice. Now, I’m not married. But my understanding of a relationship is- it’s about the two of you. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom, if it is consensual and loving, or consensual and rough, so long as it is consensual, no one else has the right to comment. So if he asks to put it in your ear, and you’re cool with that, let him put it in your ear! (Not literally, but you know what I mean).